Growing up

Another year gone by.... well almost. I have about a term left of this school year. I have about a term left of high school. I have about a term, just over two short months, until my friends start leaving on missions and busily preparing to separate to college. May I just say.. that is so weird. Suddenly time seems like the weirdest concept. We're taught all our lives that time is a constant. That an hour, a month, and a decade are always and will always be the same length... but I swear that there is something else determining the timing of things. This year has gone by so quickly. Too quickly. I honestly don't know where it's gone. It seems only yesterday I was starting my sophomore year, turning sixteen, and going on my first date. It seems that the people who are coming home from their missions this month left only a few months ago. I hardly feel like I can be a senior in high school, yet my senior year is almost over. I'm eighteen years old. I'm about to graduate. (hopefully :). I'm about to go to BYU with no mommy to guide everything I do. I'm planning to serve a mission for the LDS church in less than a year. Suddenly the thoughts I once had about wanting to be independent, about wanting to move out, about wanting to determine for myself my curfew and how much I could spend- are lost in a sudden wish that I could stay in my mommy's care forever. It's scary. Suddenly I'm realizing that moving out, going to college and leaving for a mission is scarier than I thought. It takes more effort to support yourself than just "spending money the way you want". Suddenly you have to earn that money for yourself. You no longer get to ask mom and dad for favors and request an extra addition to this months allowance... there is no allowance, and the favorable sum of money mom and dad may have given before is suddenly less. Much less. You're expected to fend for yourself and learn how to function like an adult. Sure I always wanted to turn 18. I always wanted to gain the respect and the privileges that came with it. But I didn't want the responsibilities that being an adult would require. Somehow I must have thought that I could reap the rewards of both sides. Of being out of my parent's home but gaining everything I could from my parent's home. I guess growing up doesn't work exactly the way I thought.
I guess all the thoughts I had of "grown ups" weren't quite right. School has always been my only stress. I must have assumed that once I graduated my life would be perfect. I always wanted to graduate, go to BYU, and get married by the time I was twenty with a couple perfect children by the time I was twenty-five. I assumed my growing would end when I was a "grown up". I assumed I'd be done with my troubles and sail through the rest of life when I hit that point. Little did I know that all of my life before that point would just be a preface for the real world. What I thought would be the end of my trials was simply preparing me for the trials I would face.
When I was a kid I thought I'd be grown up by the age of twelve. When I was twelve I thought I'd be grown up by sixteen. When I was sixteen I was sure I'd finally grow up when I turned eighteen- when I finally reached adulthood. But I'm still not grown up and I still don't feel like an adult. Maybe that's how all of life is. We always look up. There's always someone older and wiser than us. There's always some reason to think "if I could just be as old as them. Then I'd finally be grown up. Then I might finally know exactly what I'm doing." Maybe we're never totally grown up. I guess that is what life's for. If we finished growing up by the age of eighteen years old why would we need to keep living? If we've done all the growing we can in just eighteen short years, what's the point? Maybe that's why there's always someone older and wiser than us. We're always growing up. Whether in years or wisdom there's always someone who's more grown. That's the reason for life. That's the reason we don't finish growing at eighteen. Because without the constant growing there'd really be no reason to keep living. So I'm getting ready to graduate. I'm getting ready to move out and go out on my own. I'm getting ready to be a grown up, just not really.